


SULU: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by SpirkTrekker42



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Study, Humor, M/M, Romance, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-03
Updated: 2013-04-03
Packaged: 2017-12-07 08:04:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/746222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpirkTrekker42/pseuds/SpirkTrekker42
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a LIEUTENANT SULU unit! Follow the guidelines in this manual and your SULU will give you decades of quality performance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	SULU: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

**Author's Note:**

  * For [John Cho](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=John+Cho).



Disclaimer: Star Trek sadly does not belong to me. Gene Roddenberry gets props for creating the Trek universe and the original characters. JJ Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman get props for redefining the Star Trek characters in the alternate universe.

A/N: The original Owner's Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters.

A/N2: Be warned, I ship Chekov/Sulu.

The HAROLD model is in reference to Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, another Cho character.

After the large reviewer response to my KIRK, SPOCK, McCOY, SCOTTY, and CHEKOV models (THANK YOU) I decided that everyone’s favorite Asian needed an owner's manual, and this is the end result.

.~.

Sulu: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

CONGRATULATIONS! 

You are now the proud owner of a LIEUTENANT SULU unit!  
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your SULU will give you decades of quality performance.

INSTALLATION

When you receive your SULU unit, for optimal performance, be sure to tell him that he will have access to the Enterprise’s helm any time he wants. It is not necessary to remove any clothes at this time.  
Your SULU should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the SULU unit.

(a) SULU 1.0 (copyright Roddenberry/Takei, 1966)

(b) SULU 2.0 (copyright Abrams/Cho, 2009)

Note: This Owner's Manual refers to SULU 2.0, bearing a strong resemblance to one John Cho.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Hikaru Sulu

Rank: Lieutenant, Helmsman

Starship: U.S.S. Enterprise

Home Planet: Earth

Home Town: San Francisco, California, USA

Species: Human

Manufacturers: Mr. and Mrs. Sulu

Site of Manufacture: Grand Kyoto Hotel, Los Angeles

Height: 5 ft 10 in

Weight: insufficient data

Hair Color: Black

Eyes: Brown

OPERATING PROCEDURE

Your SULU unit has been designed to be user-friendly and proficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in Standard or Japanese. (He is fluent in both.)

Remember that your SULU is not just aesthetically pleasing; he has multiple functions.

Intelligence Quotient:  
This Asian Space Cowboy's IQ is off the scale! He had one of the highest GPAs in all of Starfleet Academy. Just don’t remind him about the time he forgot the ‘parking brake’. He’s still a little touchy about that, even though he did inadvertently save the lives of everyone on board the Enterprise.

Combat:  
Your SULU unit is programmed with multiple defense techniques, as all Starfleet officers are trained in hand-to-hand combat. But if you really want to see his combat potential, have him demonstrate his knowledge of fencing. He will blow you away with his ass-kicking skills! 

Botanical Knowledge:  
Your SULU likes to grow assorted plants as a hobby. He could be quite useful working in an arboretum or an aeroponics bay. Just be sure to steer clear of his pet Venus fly trap, unless you are dying to inspect its insides.

Piloting:  
Your SULU is proficient in piloting Galaxy Class starships and shuttles. He also knows how to pilot old-fashioned helicopters, in case you ever need him to, in a pinch, transport sheets of 1 inch thick plexiglass to your concealed ship because you time traveled back to the 1980s to save the whales or some shit like that…

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS  
You will find that your SULU is compatible with most other humans, especially the CHEKOV model. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your SULU in conjunction with female models. Be sure to activate his ‘het’ setting, as it is automatically set to ‘slash’. However, watch out if you are trying him out with the KIRK model – if the SPOCK model finds out, he may damage your SULU beyond repair.  
The maintenance of a SULU unit as an attachment to a CHEKOV unit is generally not problematic after the first few hours. The SULU and CHEKOV models have several modes of interaction:

(a) Romantic  
(b) Friendly  
(c) Hostile  
Or (d) Wery Drunk, in the case of the CHEKOV unit

WARNING: It is essential that both the SULU and CHEKOV units be set to the same interaction mode. If the SULU model is set to 'Romantic' while the CHEKOV is set to 'Hostile', your SULU will be quite depressed over the rejection from his favorite navigator, which could affect his ability to function.

Note: Make sure that the CHEKOV unit is at least eighteen before pairing him with you SULU. Starfleet regs are really clear on that.

ACCESSORIES  
The items with which your SULU comes equipped, depend on which edition of the human you have purchased.  
SULU 1.0 : Wears gold Starfleet uniform, black pants, boots. Comes extremely deep voice.  
SULU 2.0 : Wears gold Starfleet uniform, black pants, boots. Comes with retractable katana.  
Both editions are equipped with phasers and communicators. 

CLEANING  
Depending on the uses to which you put your SULU, you may have to clean him on a regular basis. Use either a water or sonic shower – he likes both. Just make sure to wash off all the sweat on the days he practices fencing. 

LUBRICATION  
To ensure that your SULU remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.  
Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your SULU unit can be provided by the CHEKOV unit, sold separately.

RECHARGING  
After long periods of use, your SULU’s energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your helmsman:

Food:  
Your SULU will eat pretty much anything. He is fond of Japanese delicacies, like sushi, squid, ramen noodles, rice balls, and red bean ice cream. He also really loves hamburgers, grilled chicken, and has a newly acquired taste for assorted Russian dishes.

Drink:  
If your SULU's energy is almost spent, give him plenty of water to drink. Piloting the ship can be stressful at times - he needs good ol’ H2O on a regular basis. If he has a long night duty shift, give him some coffee. He also enjoys Coke, Japanese green teas and Sake, a Japanese alcoholic beverage.

Sleep:  
You may be surprised by the minute amount of sleep your SULU needs to function. However, he needs five hours to function, and seven hours to function well. Research has showed that the efficiency of the SULU unit's rest cycle can be augmented or hindered by sharing a bed with the CHEKOV unit, depending on the day.

REPROGRAMMING  
The SULU 2.0 can be issued with a revised piloting skills program from Starfleet. Be sure to update his knowledge regularly, as technology is always changing.  
It is not possible to reprogram the SULU 1.0, who comes with original badassery. 

SECURITY  
Thanks to the popularity of the SULU unit (especially version 2.0), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your engineer.  
* Have your SULU micro-chipped. Choose a doctor who is experienced in the handling of stubborn engineers to carry out this procedure. (Any nearby McCOY unit would gladly volunteer.)  
* Do not leave your SULU unattended in public.  
* Do not lend your SULU to anyone.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS  
Q: My SULU informed me that he’s having trouble sleeping because he’s having jarring dreams where he’s falling to his death. Is this normal?  
A: The SULU unit had a traumatic experience with falling during the Battle of Vulcan. No doubt he frequently dreams about it – that would scare anyone! Have the McCOY unit give him some sleeping pills. If that doesn’t help, call for the CHEKOV unit to move in so that he can comfort your SULU at a moment’s notice.

Q: My SULU is feeling insecure about his position as helmsman on the Enterprise. He says he was only the replacement for the other guy, who got sick. I’ve tried to tell him he is more than qualified, but he won’t believe me. What can I do?  
A: Remind him that the KIRK unit only wanted the best of the best for his bridge officers. He’s not too concerned with age or qualifications – the SULU unit has proved that he can more than handle the job.

Q: My SULU got in a sparring accident and received a concussion. He now thinks he’s the captain on a ship called the USS Excelsior, which doesn’t even exist. How can I stop these delusions of grandeur?  
A: They’re not delusions of grandeur, not exactly. Try hitting him on the head again, see if that puts him back to normal. If that doesn’t do it, ask the SPOCK unit if he can use his Vulcan voodoo mind powers to help your SULU. The Vulcan should agree to it, if the KIRK unit gives him the right incentive. 

TROUBLE SHOOTING  
Problem: My SULU keeps going on and on about how brave the KIRK unit is and how much he admires him and owes him for saving his life. Should I ask him to stop in case the SPOCK unit finds out and harms him in a fit of possessive Vulcan rage? I don’t want to risk damaging my unit.  
Solution: Don’t worry. The SPOCK unit logically knows that they are just friends… Actually, yeah. Tell your SULU to stop. You can’t be too careful with Vulcans, especially hormonal pre-Pon Farr Vulcans (!)

Problem: My SULU unit was sent on an away mission and returned with a bad case of frostbite. He was treated in Sickbay and discharged by the McCOY unit, but he is still complaining of being cold. What do I do?  
Solution: Send for the CHEKOV unit so they can cuddle in bed for warmth. Then lock the door.

Problem: My SULU is ignoring the CHEKOV unit. Instead, he is aggressively hitting on the UHURA unit on the bridge of all places. He continues to harass her even after the KIRK unit asked him to stop. Do I have a faulty unit?  
Solution: You have been issued a Mirror Universe SULU by mistake! Watch out – that guy is evil! We will swap him for a standard SULU unit for no extra charge. 

Problem: My SULU thinks he’s a samurai and starts challenging unsuspecting crewmen to duels in the corridors. I’ve been receiving a lot of complaints about him disturbing the peace. How can I stop this strange behavior?  
Solution: Redirect his behavior with help from the CHEKOV unit. Remind them to keep the fantasy roleplay in the bedroom.

Problem: Your SULU has been neglecting his duties because he is spending too much time ‘giving fencing lessons’ to a certain navigator.  
Solution: Tell him if he doesn't get back to work, you'll send the SPOCK unit after him to confiscate his sword. He won't risk it.

Problem: Your SULU keeps insisting that the ship needs to reverse course and stop off at the nearest White Castle to pick up some sliders. You start wondering what happened to his sensibilities…  
Solution: You have been issued a HAROLD model by mistake! Are you sure you don't want to just stick with the classic model?

Problem: I want to breed from my SULU unit, but he is dating the CHEKOV unit. How do I accomplish this without harming their relationship?  
Solution: Install the MPREG function for two hundred credits, and lock them in a turbolift together. Guaranteed to produce optimum results!

Problem: My SULU keeps saying ‘OH, MY’ in a suggestive voice even after the most innocuous comments. What’s up with that?  
Solution: If he’s not plastered, we’re pretty sure you’ve been issued at SULU 1.0. Are you sure you don’t want to keep him? The SULU 1.0 is made of SO MUCH WIN.

ADDITIONAL INFO

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:

Starfleet Academy  
PO BOX 1701  
EARTH  
SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94129

THE END  
A/N: Any questions, comments, concerns about the SULU model? Review and I will do my best to answer/fix them.


End file.
